The Myth of Narcissus and What It Means for Co-Parenting Moms
You can't co-parent with someone who only sees themselves.
If you’ve been separated for five seconds or five years, you’ve probably heard 1 or 2 or (okay 100) people say “He’s a narcissist.” Or “He’s a covert narcissist.” This phrase gets tossed around SO much that you may even roll your eyes or shrug your shoulders and think, “Everyone is a narcissist these days.” Or you may think, “Oh you don’t even KNOW narcissists until you’ve met the one I deal with…”
But let’s back up here. Before we get into this too deep, let’s understand what we’re really talking about. First, settle in for a story.
There is a famous greek myth about a man named Narcissus. He’s beautiful and handsome and all the things. In the myth, Narcissus was admired by many but he rejected, or couldn’t love, everyone who tried to love him. He was not capable of connection, empathy, or vulnerability. Of…love. He spent all of his time starting at himself in a pool of water and admiring himself. He ignored everyone and everything except his own reflection.
A nymph, Echo, tried to reach him but he ignored her. She called and called to him (probably has something to do with her name). She tried everything to get him to stop staring at himself in the water and engage with her. I like to imagine she had a sense this would end badly. Instead, Narcissus continued doing what he always did, watching himself. He was consumed by his own reflection.
Eventually, Narcissus withered away and the gods gave him what he so wanted. This was, metaphorically (and in the myth- literally), a place by the water to stare at himself for ever. Forever fixated on himself and his own image. So much so that he lost touch with the real world. And he never did get that chance at real, true, love.
This my friends, is where the word ‘narcissist’ has its’ origins. From a myth about a person that was so self absorbed they missed it. They missed it all. The love, connection, ability to see and be seen. All of the beautiful mess that makes up human relationships. And the saddest part? Deep inside… these individuals are often deeply and intensely self conscious.
Perhaps you're raising a child with someone who struggles to see outside themselves, to take accountability, or to consider others. Someone who seems to really only focus on and prioritize themselves and definitely does not focus on your child. And if it feels very…ego driven… then this myth may resonate with you. You likely feel like you’re parenting with a modern-day Narcissus.
I bet you’ve tried to make “it” work. You’ve called and called like Echo. You’ve explained. You’ve softened. Negotiated. And compromised. But all you get back is defensiveness, control, manipulation, or flat out aggression. And that’s a minimal amount of damage. At maximum damage level, you get a kid that’s struggling, heaps of legal fees, and endless sleepless nights.
Like Echo, you may find yourself repeating things endlessly. But Narcissus won’t hear you. Because they’re not really listening. Not then and not now. He’s watching his own reflection.
You cannot build a healthy co-parenting dynamic with someone who refuses to see past themselves.
You can’t.
Let Narcissus keep staring at his reflection. You have better things to do.
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